Hi y'all. I hope you are well. It's late, I know, but I'm here.
I hope you're enjoying these letters, and that you're also enjoying life. If ever you wish to be taken off the mailing list, just let me know.
Happy Spring, don't do nothing stupid now that the sun's out <3.
Here is letter #16 --
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Earlier this week, thanks to my friend, R, who is currently teaching an intro to writing course at a particular university in Michigan, I was able to discuss my electronic literature piece,Lost Inside Journal: A Digital Inquiry with their students. R had assigned my journal as well as my newsletter (Letter #5) to their class as material to study format, personal essay, narrative and objectivity in writing, and thanks to R I was blessed with the chance to see my works' effect on real life students and individuals I do not know.
Mind you, (and this is me sharing something I am very proud of, only slightly flexing haha), all this came only a month or so after Lost Inside: A Digital Inquiry was accepted into the Electronic Literature Organizations' 2021 Conference, where I was also given the opportunity to be interviewed about my work by a panel of E-Lit scholars for a documentary the organization is currently working on.
Both of these experiences presented me with many, many things to think about in regards to one's work, self-concept, influence, and, especially, intentions. Being interviewed about my journal by middle aged, practiced, qualified E-Lit scholars on a piece that I shamelessly proclaim was only made for my own amusement, my need to write, and love for the craft, I realized that one should never ever look down on the importance of their art. Despite however one may feel about their work, or hate a certain aspect, or even feel alienated because nobody can relate and/or is doing anything similar to them, one must trust their instincts and remember that, whatever audience there is out there for you, you will eventually find.
I will say that I have grown more confident in my work over the past few months, and it is mainly because either people I do not know, or people I look up to, have been acknowledging it, and that does a lot for one's self-perception. And that is where, verily, reflection on one's self-concept comes into play. It's safe to say that I was feeling myself after having my work accepted into the E-Lit Org's conference, and felt even better when R reached out to me asking to teach my work to their class and have me virtually attend to talk about my work with them. It feels great knowing that there are people who want to listen to you and hear what you have to say and think. BUT... it is also terribly, terribly, horrifying...
When I was in the Zoom class on Monday, talking to these college freshmen about the journal and my newsletter, I was surprised to find them eager to ask me specified questions that proved to me they actually read the work! Like how crazy! I took that same class as a freshman and more often than not, students just sit quietly in class and don't say anything, so I was happy to and shocked to see that. But what was even more crazy were the questions they were asking me.
Questions like:
- How do you know when you have held onto a piece for too long and how do you defeat the perfectionist in you?
- Do you post your work to curate a following or because you are making and sharing work for yourself?
- How are you able to stay grounded in the present and be content with what/who you are instead of focusing on who you want to be?
- Do you truly believe that you were more confident before learning of imposter syndrome because that is what it taught you, or because you explicitly remember being more confident as the person you used to be?
- When is a lot of self-reflection too much self-reflection, as I find myself struggling between either reflecting too much, or not reflecting at all?
Needless to say, things got deep, way too quick, but that's just how it is if you're talking to me hahaa. I tried my best to answer their questions wholeheartedly and help them somewhat, but afterwards, I had a really weird feeling in my gut. It was not imposter syndrome, I'm done with that shit, that's out of the question. But it was another feeling, one of confusion, and fear. The fear that, depending on the stage/platform in which I am given, seeing the sincerity that these students had in asking these questions, that quickly deviated from my work itself and turned towards existentialism and self-conception, I began questioning who the hell I thought I was... Who gave me the right to be answering these questions, who said I was qualified, what MAKES someone qualified to be answering questions like this... I understand that they may have simply been interested in hearing my perspective on things, as I am always interested in hearing other perspectives even if they differ from mine, but not everyone is looking for varying perspectives. Some people are looking for answers, wherever and however they possibly can.
Obviously, I told that student who asked about too much self-reflection that I am the worst person to ask about that, because... I mean... just look at these letters. But in truth, I couldn't tell you how I was put in these positions, I did not seek them out, and I won't even tell you I "did the work", I just poured my heart out into my art and certain people decided it was worth their time. Does that make me special? Not necessarily. But if I decided to say that it did, which is the default positioning of those who receive recognition, it would almost be justified. But my fear is that very sentiment getting to my head. My fear is my being content with my ideas. My fear is stunting my growth because people decide that where I'm at is good enough for them. But that's exactly what I realized, sure I make art for others, but it starts with me and my heart and my pen. The people are simply an afterthought. Usually, by the time a project is done and released, I am already working on the next thing. I can't even talk to you about my art, that's probably one of the most difficult things you can ask an artist to do, because if the art isn't speaking for itself then what has the artist been doing this whole time? That's my mode of thinking, at least. I must say and acknowledge however, as these people have acknowledged me and my work, that all praise is due to Allah, and that no good in my life is my own, and it all comes from him. I can only accept it and be thankful, and fight that part of me that wants to let it all get to my head.
I'm going to stop before this turns into a rant...
Love, B
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Art Updates:
Guys, here's the big news... I am having a solo show soon. Soon as in this Saturday, April 10th, running until May 2nd, insha'Allah, at Swish Projects in North Park, San Diego, CA. I will be showcasing photos from my photo book, "The Unseen" as well as selling the books there. Follow them on instagram if you don't already, if you'd like to keep up with it. There's no promotional content to go out just yet, but I will update you all next Sunday (the day after the opening) on specifics if you don't find out from the gallery itself during the week. I hope whoever is in San Diego can make it and hopefully purchase a book! :)
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Recently Watched:
Masculin Feminin
By Jean Luc-Godard
What a bizarre, fantastic film. I have no review at the moment as I just finished it. But what I can say is that, this is one of those films that you simply HAVE to rewatch maybe 3-5 times just to get a grasp of, at least for me it is. This is my favorite sequence from the film... lol. Because it really be like that.
Obsidian -- Adventure Time: Distant Lands
HBO MAX
I'm late as hell to this. I don't know if there are any Adventure Time fans reading this, but if you all didn't know, Adventure Time is my favorite show, (like of all time). I don't think there will ever be a show above it in my eyes. I was really scared of Distant Lands being a disappointment due to the altered animation style and the fact that it is on HBO now rather than Cartoon Network, but I was NOT disappointed with this episode, (aside from finding out that Jake might be dead...)
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Before I Go:
I'll share another photo from my upcoming photo book, "The Unseen"...
Sensory Overload
Istanbul, Turkey. 2020.
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That's all from me for this one. Thank you for reading. And please feel free to reply to these emails if you feel inclined to. I'll be here.
B