We're all trying to be our authentic selves nowadays right? That is what it seems. And I think it's a good thing to a certain extent. Sometimes, however, I feel like we, especially people in the creative field: artists, writers, (people who serve the public) -- force ourselves to overshare and be vulnerable. Vulnerable not necessarily with the people around us, as a lot of the time the people closest to us are the ones who know us least, but instead, we push to be vulnerable with the world. I do not know how or why this has happened exactly. That in order to be successful or prominent as artists we believe we must be shameless and unapologetic in our opinions and identity or conform to what the public expects us to be and not be. I guess I just do not see why identity is SO important today, and why we have to share so many aspects of ourselves in order to foster some sort of attention to our work. The boundaries of our lives are dissipating quickly. And in some ways it's good, and other ways not so much. Very few prominent artists are mysterious nowadays. We know everything about them. Our culture pushes towards revelation and no longer respects privacy. This is why MF DOOM, (May Allah have mercy on him), was so important to the culture. He knew what that mask represented, and unlike some people who wear a mask today (literally and figuratively), he didn't give in and remove it at any point. Because when people know everything about you, nothing becomes sacred. Then it becomes difficult to know where sanctity really even lies.
//
Speaking for myself, I think I have been fairly conservative in terms of what I share and do not share with you all and my small world. But I have been thinking of ways in which to open up, for my own sake as a writer and my practice, and as a way to get to know myself better. Especially as a writer, I have to be more open to write well. Vulnerability is something I appreciate to an extent, and I am willing to take it to the extent, but not any further. That is one reason for this newsletter in fact. I do not necessarily plan when I write these, I simply type them out stream of consciousness style so whatever is on my mind is fresh and new to me as well.
Something I have been thinking about lately, especially, is what it is I mostly focus on in my work. I sit on a lot of content, largely in part because they are long term projects that have not been finished, but for that which is finished and still sitting, I hold onto it in part because it is so personal. Not personal to the extent that it would burden me, or be an embarrassment, or because I am not proud of it, but because this online (and in person) persona I have created for myself, I fear may not fully align with it all. The issue however, is that I believe this part of me is integral to my success as an artist because it is what comes the easiest, and is most enjoyable for me. And to not drag it on any longer, that part of me, simply, is that I am a lover.
I love romance. I love love. I think the concept and reality of it all is beautiful. It is one of my favorite parts of existence. And whilst I know most people feel the same, I REALLY mean it when I say that, like deeply. And I write about it a whole lot. I talk about it with my friends. With some friends it is ALL I talk about. Just a couple weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend P who is living in Scotland, and he was describing how he experienced a Before Sunrise moment at one point during his stay. If you've seen the movie you know what I mean.
Basically, in the film, Jesse, played by Ethan Hawke, meets Celine, played by Julie Delpy, on a train somewhere near Vienna. Jesse convinces Celine to leave the train with him and they go on a long walk throughout the city of Vienna, sightseeing, mostly talking (which is the best part about the film), but the intimacy of these two strangers enamored with one another, and the level in which they are, is just so overwhelming. And it is greatly driven by the fact that Celine is leaving come sunrise, so they only have one day to love as much as one can a complete stranger, and then move on with their lives. So P told me about his experience. Something similar to this, where he met someone and ended up exploring Edinburgh on foot, visiting landmarks, getting lost in conversation off the fleeting high that comes with travel and "living life like a movie". And I loved it. We laughed about how ridiculous it is that we compare our lives to movies as the main reference for great experiences. But I still love it. If comparing my life to movies will enhance how much I enjoy things, I'm going to do that. And I love that he experienced this and told me about it. It's stimulating to my heart and mind and creativity and good for me in general.
Most of the movies I watch are romance films, same with books. I fantasize and idealize and romanticize and can do it all day if I could. The root of a lot of my art stems from it and can always be traced right back to the idea of love and togetherness. The title of my photo book I'm currently working on is Aşkim which means "My Love" in Turkish, and for no other reason but because that is what it means. Now I am forced to connect the dots between my photos and how they relate to that title, attempting to reverse engineer them to fit the word because I like it so much.
The lover in me has done me lots of good and also bad. And it's the bad I often reflect on, and make art about, and it's due to the personal nature of it all that I keep it to myself. But my goal, in that regard, is to open up more. Not for my audience, or to attract people to my work, or to capitalize off of my passion, but simply because that is what I have been wanting to share all this time. And it is about time I did so. (It's funny writing this knowing my younger sisters are going to read this and be clowning me for it probably everyday, but I'd rather they get to know this part of me for real because it's real and only makes us grow closer).
It's possible some of you may have figured this out already just from my writing. But I have never really represented that aspect of myself and wore it to the extent that I become proud of it. It's always been quieted or hinted to the public but loud amongst a few friends. So I want to let that part of me grow and take its place in my life comfortably. (I might just f around and put "Lover" in my bio lol). There's nothing wrong with being a romantic, and I'm not a hopeless one. I am very hopeful in fact when it comes to love. I don't see why I'd be hopeless if I love it this much. But that is that.
Consider this one of my many personal rebrands lol.
As a tribute to this step I am taking, I want to share a (love) poem, some of you may know, that is probably the best poem I have ever written. It'll be a little while till I top it.
(The poem is written from the perspective of a woman)
----------------------------
Denver
It surprised him to learn
that I’ve never been in a
scrap.
With eyes like mine,
and a tongue that rolls,
relentless.
He challenged me as to how,
and I told him,
it is rather simple.
In the minds of these
laymen,
I am a fight.
----------------------------
I want to pair the poem with the opposing perspective as well. This is newer, and I am now realizing it as a two part piece, the second half of the story in a way. This passage is from my digital journal "Lost Inside: A Digital Inquiry" > "Fantasy" (this lexia is only compatible on desktop.)
(Also if you want to read some writing on romance by me, the "Fantasy" lexia in my journal has a whole lot. Just click that link. Only on Desktop, not mobile.)
----------------------------
Film Recommendation for this letter: Before Sunrise (OBVIOUSLY)
Shout out to Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy one time for an impeccable performance -- so verklempt and sanguine, and utterly brilliant. You can't help but disbelieve the film exists because it's so damn good.
& shout out my guy P, for putting me on and sharing his stories with me. Love to you bro. Be safe in Scotland.
Here is a photo of mine, the working cover for my photo book Aşkim which I hope to release soon, inshallah.
Also, it's only natural, and on brand for such a letter. Here is a song by the best, Gal e Caetano Velloso -- "Coração Vagabundo"
That's all from me for this one ya'll. Thanks for reading. And as usual, please feel free to reply to these emails if you feel inclined to. I'll be here.
B <3