Peace, hope you are doing well.
I’m sending this letter in the morning rather than the evening just to gauge what people prefer. I notice a lot of people read these letters the morning after I send them anyway, so I thought I’d try this instead. If you favor one way or another feel free to let me know. Also, if you have any feedback as to this project as a whole and you’ve never emailed me, I’d love to hear from you! Thanks!
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Earlier this week, I was on Twitter when my friend, Fresh Breakfast (yes, that is his name, and not even his full name), shared a tweet that read: "I should really learn how to change a tire but there’s a part of me that just won’t let me do it, if you know why you know why" -- Breakfast tweeted this despite the fact that he’d been stranded in the middle of some California nowhere with a flat and no knowledge on how to manually repair it... and without him having to explain, I knew precisely the reason...
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Breakfast, or Breakfuh, Lil Wassup, Green Grape, Purple Grape, (his names are endless really), is an African, vegan, straight edge, bourgeois rapper and writer, with gold teeth and inordinate locks causing his resemblance to a bipedal water buffalo that can't swim. I love his tweets for how relatable I find them to be, as he is anti everything ghetto, but I can tell by the lack of sufficient likes his tweets get that not everyone may feel the same. Green Grape’s tweets are rather specific to his personal, peculiar tastes, where he’ll say things like: “If you’re at a restaurant and they serve your drinks in them little tough plastic party cups, you are in the ghetto!" Or, he'll complain about mediocre sandwiches and how they absolutely ruin his day. Quite often, he tweets about how reprehensible Chipotle is, which I agree with wholeheartedly -- (I don't know how they are still in business tbh, everyone I know who eats there complains about it, but keeps going back! Why?) And he has this belief that everyone needs to eat syrup that comes from glass bottles which resemble whiskey exclusively, and that if your house uses Aunt Jemima syrup you are definitely in the ghetto and need to, and I quote, “run for your life!”. Aside from tweets on food, M also expresses his thoughts on pop culture, such as his relief towards the fact that Nicolas Cage passed on being in Lord of the Rings, which is 100% agreed upon, because if he'd been in Lord of the Rings, it probably would have been ghetto. LOL. (The majority of these tweets I perceive as jokes, that are nonetheless true.)
After he tweeted, we began discussing this topic of ghettoness and I expressed that I too did not want to learn how to change a tire. I told him about a woman I was talking to who found it rather odd and even un-masculine that I did not know, nor did I want to learn how to change one. It had nothing to do with the difficulty of the task, I knew how it worked, had seen it done by my father, friends, and professionals on cars plenty of times, had even done it myself, but it was the principle of the matter. And through this conversation with Breakfuh, I began to see the places in which my own ego, or what I thought to be my ego, had persisted. It made me question whether the 'principle' of an action was always justified or morally superior. As sometimes, the principles we retain only uphold an idea or system that is inherently elitist or ego-fulfilling. I have no interest in learning about cars and how they work, like Lil Wassup, purely for the reason that it is something I prefer paying people to do. Call it pompous or narcissistic, as I admit it kind of really is, but only so much on the surface. For, at the same time, it makes sense to live life how you want to see yourself living, right? As M put it, “Man I’m just trying to stay true to my future lifestyle... Imagine, being on rodeo drive and the McLaren catch a flat, you think I’m going to get out and change that shit myself? No nigga, I’m going to kill time at the Goyard store across the street and get some pizza at Il Forneid while they fix my whip.” And in my eyes, he was completely accurate. But at the same time, if he wanted instead to fix the tire on his McLaren outside of Goyard, that would be completely justified as well.
So, why am I telling this story? Haha. Well, for the reason that while I find this kind of dialogue comical and absurd, after ruminating on my genuine feelings on the matter, I believe the truths behind me and Fresh Breakfast Muk's perceptions come from an inherent complicity in our communities to, not be content with less, but instead become content with the idea that we are meant to have less than others -- white people in particular. This is, however, not at all the case. Black communities in America are marginalized and provided less resources by structural nature, but I believe, as Breakfast does as well, that when complaining and expecting the worst becomes the norm, in comparison to striving and forcefully assuming your equality, that is all you will be able to see in life. I acknowledge that not everyone is privileged enough to change, benefit, and/or move out of their communities, as I myself still live in the same neighborhood I grew up in, but when our perception of a better life is distant in our minds and personal belief systems, the more pleasant things in life remain distant, and the hopeless, negative outlook on one's situation eventually becomes incorrigible. And some people, like Fresh Breakfast, simply prefer to live their best lives, rather than get caught up in the conflict. Breakfast made it clear that, these socioeconomic barriers placed before us, he does not pay mind to, for reasons I don't know. But I can only assume that the very barriers in place are only a ruse to keep people conflicted on where they stand, therefore justifying his indifference. I assume hearing this story might make you think of us as self appraising and egotistical even, (and to a certain extent, I might be, but when you are commonly beat down and subjugated, you must assume a greater level of self respect, as nobody else will do it for you). You will also find that, if you look at the layers behind the reasoning of such feelings towards an act as simple as changing tires, this small choice is in fact a big one.
(I'm realizing all this sounds mad capitalistic, yikes! haha)
I do believe at the same time, there is a humility and contentment in this act of refusal, one that acknowledges where it makes sense to put one's foot forward and where it makes sense to step back and accept one's situation. It is an act of training -- training the muscles that inform you of where you stand vs where you should stand in this structurally unjust country.
Breakfast goes on to say, "Just because I'm too good for McDonald's doesn't mean I won't sleep on the floor in the village with all my cousins, eat out the same pot of rice, and shower with a bucket." (And we're ALL too good for McDonald's just to be clear. That is not human food! Please be safe!)
The looks that Breakfast might get on Rodeo drive changing his own tire will by no doubt be condescending, and it is up to him whether to ignore the looks and judgements or let them penetrate him and alter his self-perception, but Breakfast won't do any of those things. He won't endure condescending looks. But he won't change that tire either. What he will do however, is disregard any distractions from living his best life, solely because he prefers the finer things.
The choice not to change that tire, in my eyes, however, stems from the fact that as Black individuals, we have to work much harder to level ourselves on this imaginary, illusory, playing field the rest of the country is on, by doing extra things like choosing not to change our own tire and call roadside assistance. Breakfast may not agree with this sentiment, as for him it's not about Blackness, whiteness, or structural inequality and that's fine, but even then, it's hard to decree what the correct view is in this situation. What is justified and what isn't. Based on what I know, the refusal to change one's tire could both be an exercise of (financial) privilege, (time) privilege, and an exercise of refusal and barrier breakage, done in order to portray an image of our person to the calcified old world. A white person changing their own tire on rodeo drive might not be looked at sideways, but we definitely would. It may even be an issue of one's safety, as most of the time, it is best to keep all eyes off of us in public spaces for the danger that attention on a Black man can bring. But imagine, none of this would be the case if America wasn't the way it was. In an African country, maybe changing a tire would not be made into such a big deal as I have made it here.
I wrote this letter with a goal in mind which I thought I understood, but to be honest I don't even know how I feel at this point, so I'm going to stop. The story was comical, and maybe I should have kept it at that, but I over investigated intentions and ended up here. That's what America does to us right, after all? Make us try so many avenues of repair until we are left exhausted and more confused than we first began with. I'm just tired now, goddamn it, haha.
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There are a myriad of contradictions in this above story, as I have written it all in one sitting in the hopes that it appears coherent, though obviously failed. I am of course interested in your thoughts on the matter, though. If you have any inputs, comments, etc. I'd love to hear. Just give me some time to reply is all I ask. But I'll leave it at that.
B <3
Also, this is Fresh Breakfast if y'all want to follow him --
Lil Matador - Fresh Breakfast Muk Dipped in Butter Looking Like Light
Instagram: instagram.com/luhbutter
Twitter: https://twitter.com/luhbutterboo
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While on the topic of ego, humility and incoherence, I'd like to share a rather ironic exchange from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice on the topic of humility as indirect boast!
“My style of writing is very different from yours."
"Oh!" cried Miss Bingley, "Charles writes in the most careless way imaginable. He leaves out half his words, and blots the rest."
"My ideas flow so rapidly that I have not time to express them—by which means my letters sometimes convey no ideas at all to my correspondents."
"Your humility, Mr. Bingley," said Elizabeth, "must disarm reproof."
"Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast."
"And which of the two do you call MY little recent piece of modesty?"
"The indirect boast; for you are really proud of your defects in writing, because you consider them as proceeding from a rapidity of thought and carelessness of execution, which, if not estimable, you think at least highly interesting. The power of doing anything with quickness is always prized much by the possessor, and often without any attention to the imperfection of the performance. When you told Mrs. Bennet this morning, that if you ever resolved upon quitting Netherfield you should be gone in five minutes, you meant it to be a sort of panegyric, of compliment to yourself—and yet what is there so very laudable in a precipitance which must leave very necessary business undone, and can be of no real advantage to yourself or anyone else?”...
Excerpt From: Jane Austen. “Pride and Prejudice.”
Is one’s portrayal of humility indeed humble? Are we more truthful to explicitly address our egotistical inclinations? Or are we all just naturally toxic and deceitful in any case? (I'd lean towards the last option, lol, but who really knows)
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Reminiscing:
Have you ever found yourself missing a walk that you went on? Remembering how exceedingly pleasant it was, the unexplored terrains, the way in which shadows grew on pavements and buildings you never knew light to interact with in such ways, the imperfectly perfect weather for a long and challenging, or short and easy, though either way pleasant walk that took you to both tangible and metaphysical places you'd never experience if you weren't isolated with the world before you? That's what I'm going through at the moment. I miss particular walks I have gone on, and am vowing from now on to drop myself off in places I am unfamiliar with and just walk... choosing these locations wisely of course. But 30 minute walks or runs are not enough anymore, especially in a neighborhood I know like the back of my hand.
I'm currently missing a walk I took in Uskudar, Istanbul in Turkey. I thought it may have been a bad idea as it was raining that morning, but the further I walked, the more beautiful and vibrant everything around me became as the sun slowly began to creep in and the refreshing scents of new rains enriched my spirit. It was utterly beautiful. I need more of this in my life. Inshallah.
From that walk:
Current Lyrics Stuck in My Head:
"Five Years" by David Bowie
"Pushing through the market square So many mothers sighing News had just come over We had five years left to cry in News guy wept when he told us Earth was really dying Cried so much his face was wet Then I knew he was not lying..."
I'm afraid this song may become all too real in a few years if we don't change the course of our paining environment, soon...
Apologies for ending on a rather somber note. I hope you all are doing as well as can be.
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This is one of those writing days where I have found myself more confused after writing than in a state of comprehension. Or maybe my initial state of comprehension was in fact a state of ignorance towards the fact that I had been confused the whole time? Let me stop. This is the end of the letter lol.
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If you have sent me an email and I haven't gotten back to you, I will asap inshallah. Been a long week! Thank you for the messages and replies always!
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That's all from me for this one. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for reading. And as usual, please feel free to reply to these emails if you feel inclined to. I'll be here.
Love,
B <3