What's up ya'll, I hope you all are doing well. Sending love and salaams.
I wrote this below in observation of the line at the COVID testing site on Euclid Avenue. Results: Negative
"Parents in line at the testing site allow their son to ride his scooter through the snake-like black stanchions. No one dares say a thing, but everyone is thinking it, as all eyes shadow the scooter intruding on our rather ambitious 6 feet apart ruling. “That kid better not get anywhere near me,” I think; we think. He does though. The boy in his red Santa Claus t-shirt and blue shorts to match his Spider-Man themed scooter stops at one end of the line and asks whoever is in the new last spot, "Hello how are you doing sir, (or ma’am)", only to speed off eagerly to reach his family before he has to listen to some grown up's answer. They don’t really answer anyway. Too paranoid that he’s not in six feet's distance. They normally look down at him, simulating a smile after he has already gone, possibly to make themselves feel a bit soft, but they quickly allow their false smile to dissipate when they remember no one can see their mouth.
Further down the line, the boy does that weird thing kids do when a child their age is placidly spending their time in the same arena. He scooters up to two kids, also in red and blue, and stands near them smiling without saying a word. They look up at him with no remark all but until their parents initiate a conversation in regards to this child who seems to think the virus testing site is a makeshift snake run. I imagine that they want to know what he is doing away from his parents, but instead, they engage his curiosity and let him join their party. I give up on the anticipation then -- that a parent may be reprimanded or the scooter boy scolded for leaving his place in line. I guess I must be in a different world...
***
"What the hell is that smell?" the man behind me remarks, as I am occupied reading a novel on my phone. You would think people in the hood were used to various concoctions of horrid scents, as this was not just one bad scent but a slew of a few different ones. I ignored the man because I simply cannot stand complainers, despite the fact that he helped me get signed in when I couldn’t figure out the code to input my information, (as all the signage was in English except the part I actually needed to be reading), it did not mean I was going to pay attention to his complaints. Just breathe through your mouth for god's sake, I thought -- or put your mask back on."
//
Some thoughts:
I have been thinking a lot lately about the relationships in my life. (Well, if you know me, that is nothing new, but I have been thinking about them differently at least.) And one incident that has been on my mind took place in Istanbul while at the apartment I was staying at. My cousin and I were discussing something, I don't remember exactly what, but all I can recall is him telling me, "Yeah Bilal, you're a dickhead."
He did not say it jokingly or with a smile on his face, yet, not in any ticked off or disrespectful way either, but he stated it as if it was simply a known fact. The funny thing was, I did not consider it an insult or a harsh reality for me to cope with, but I was rather happy at the statement. It was reassuring in a way, and humbling, to be reminded that we are not always the good people we pretend to or want to be. Sometimes we are dickheads, and say dumb shit and mean things, and just talk unnecessarily or without thinking, and I know for a fact, that by living in my head all my life, that I am NOT the nicest person, no matter how much people tell me I am, I have bad thoughts and mess up a lot and hurt people, even if my intentions are good, or come from a place of love... I am still a dickhead lol. So it was refreshing to have someone who I am actually close to remind me of that and humble me. And it helps to guide me towards becoming a more pleasant and nicer person, because now I know that I'm a dickhead, so that means there's still some work to do haha.
Another relationship I've been thinking about is with one of my best friends who is in many ways very similar to me. I was texting them just last night and we would go back and forth discussing our own issues, desires, and just random things on our minds and consciences, but when I stepped back from the messages and really looked at what we were talking about, none of us actually would address or even comment on the other's statements. It was just this transmission of two people talking at one another about things that only concerned them with no slight bit of care about what the other was saying lol.
If anyone did react to the other's message, it would literally be about how the same thing had happened to them and how they were dealing with it, never about how they could possibly help the other with their dilemma. Now, as this is one of my best friends, this has always been the case, and we are there for each other when we need to be, but I realized last night how having someone self-centered to be self-centered with is actually really healthy, because sometimes you just need to say things to someone and not have them judge you or comment on your ideas and thoughts. It can be oddly therapeutic.
//
In other more, creative, artist news, I have finally got a website back up! Not fully furnished just yet, but I am really happy with it so far, especially being that I made it myself: Bilalmohamed.cargo.site (still transferring my domain name)
I have some writings, art and photography up there, including an unpublished essay that will be in my essay and photography collection on my Cambodia travels in 2019 titled, I'm Here and I'm Not (to be published in 2021), which I hope you all will be interested in reading. You can read the essay from my book titled "He Worked for the Embassy" here on my site. I would love for you all to read it, (those of you who have not already), and please please let me know what you think. It would mean the world.
I also have another movie recommendation for y'all. I know it's f*ck Amazon but they got some good shit on Prime Video yo I'm sorry. And I also know we don't mess with the French, but I love French films lmao. Where's the integrity right? I know...
Anyway, here's the recc lol:
"Microbe & Gasoline" by Michel Gondry
This is some good heartfelt, coming of age type. Two outcast youngins, one is an artist (Microbe), the other a mechanic (Gasoline), who decide to create a car disguised as a house and run away from home. I could be late to this film but this is what I'm hyped on right now. Loved it. The kids performed beautifully.
That's all from me for this one ya'll. Thanks for reading. And please feel free to reply to these emails if you feel inclined to. I'll be here.
B.