Salaam ya'll,
For this letter, I was inclined to expound upon the idea that there is not much going on in my life right now. I was thinking, maybe I'll share some memes I found funny, or talk about some book or writer or artist, but saying there is not much going on, currently at least, is not true at all. I am only inclined to say that because what is happening is either too personal, or because I'm conflicted with certain things and would rather not share them. So I won't. But what I can do, however, is talk about what I have been learning through my present experiences, so I'll do that instead.
***
Patience means nothing without hard work, and vice versa. Every day I realize new ways in which I am blessed, and as hard as it is to not get caught up in the places I would like to see myself, or feel like I am not doing enough, I stop and look around me to realize I am actually doing just fine. It's really cool to see hard work pay off in ways you never would have expected after lots of patience and prayer, whereas sometimes seeing things come to fruition can feel a bit unreal. It is especially unreal when you see good things come out of what initially seemed to be bad situations. As it says in the Qur'an: "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you."
***
Relationships are not easy. That's obvious, but it's easy to forget that when things are going well. An approach to relationships I am attempting is not expecting unrealistically from people, as people often disappoint. If anything, that is what we should expect -- disappointment. But equally, I feel we should not actively look out for faults either. A lot of us nowadays are impetuously hostile towards one another. We fear for our sanity, we guard our hearts, we avoid confronting our own faults, and take it out on each other in ways that we are conditioned to do so, because it's just so hard to make things work. Just like I have found myself fantasizing relationships working out, I have also fantasized putting people in check and leaving them, but only now am I realizing how unhealthy that truly is.
Nobody wants to be wrong, and everyone is convinced that they are right. Or the case goes one of two ways: we are too apologetic and understanding, (or maybe we are not understanding but fear losing somebody so we cater to them in every case, not standing up for ourselves), OR we refuse to apologize because of ego, because we are not ready to confront the part of ourselves that ruins things so often, so it becomes easier to run away from it than confront it as that is all we are used to. It is a question of what we deserve from people, alongside what we can realistically receive from them, combined with how much we are offering, communicating how much we can offer, and questioning if it is really fair.
Relationships are a transaction of sorts: I give you attention, love, and support, and you have certain rights over me, and I have certain rights over you. But as soon as one of these things are lacking from any side, which will always happen, it is up to the couple to communicate, and whoever is responsible at the time, owns up to it, then they collaborate on how to change and fix things. But our problem is we do not step up and own our faults, and the majority of the time, the people who do, are taken advantage of, because they'll always change and try, but the other person will not. I'm not saying I am above all of this, I am merely viewing it from a clearer perspective, seeing where I stand now and comparing it to where I have stood in the past. A lot of these problems we find stem from traumas, traumas that commonly go unnoticed and unaddressed. And overcoming it all is not easy, nor will it be, but when we think we can ghost somebody with ease, we find it requires an even greater deal of stress afterwards when we are back in the game trying to find someone new. The same problems remain, and you end up less trusting than before because it seems like everyone sucks and nothing will ever work. I think we're all really messed up, and have become accustomed to this way of living, and personally, I am not a fan of it. I'm a bit tired of it all. So I'm trying this new approach, where I don't say the hostile, disrespectful things I am feeling when I am wronged and angry, and instead try to comprehend the situation after cooling down and seeing things differently. Unfortunately, people will take advantage of this too. But maybe avoiding that hostility just for a bit will open the door to discovering something worth the effort and restraint, in contrast to closing that door prematurely. I'm still figuring it out though.
***
I've had an odd relationship with imposter syndrome over the past few years. Sometimes I found it to be the worst thing, other times the best thing, as it drove me to work harder than others therefore placing me at an advantage (in my own head). But now I kind of wish I didn't even know it existed. If anything it's done me more harm after I realized it, then before I learned the term. I fear that, in a way, we may have ascribed it to ourselves. Kind of like how there are people out there wearing their 1 percent minority badge real loud because they want some type of sympathy or attention. What imposter syndrome has done to me is make me question my own humility. There was a time when I was more confident and outspoken, and my humility lived in a comfortable place alongside that confidence, but when imposter syndrome came into the picture, I started thinking that my humility was in fact insecurity, slowly depleting the bouts of confidence and the outgoing nature I considered myself to have. I feel some weird need to prove myself often now because of it. I never felt the need to do that before. People on the internet are talking in our ears telling us to be loud and say things with our chest, but now that I internalized that I need to say things with my chest, I feel like I'm not doing it sufficiently, even though I may well have been before. It's absurd. And it makes me furious.
Realizing that the first time I learned about this term was in a room with over 50 Black students during a presentation on the topic, I cannot imagine how many people have become crippled by the idea that they are good enough, maybe even better than others at what they do, but they have something in them that is stopping them from becoming great, and it's that very idea that is stopping them from doing so. I believed in my hard work at a time more than I currently do, and saw it as an accomplishment and reason that I deserve to be in rooms with people of great talent and experience, but then I was instilled with the fear that, (read this closely) --
I was instilled with the fear that I MIGHT be afraid to enter these rooms because I was not supposed to be there.
It ruined my confidence more than it helped it. It is kind of like how people will go to therapy, (I've never been, I've only heard this), but I compare it to how people will go to therapy and then need even more therapy for all the messed up things that they are discovering about themselves. It becomes this endless cycle. That is what imposter syndrome has done to me, and now I have to find a way to rid myself of it completely, as this is detrimental to not only my success, but my confidence and mental health. I do not know if anyone else can relate to this. I hope instead that if you have a relationship with imposter syndrome, it has helped you for the better, but this is what it has done to me, and I am working on it.
That's the end of my epiphanies for this week haha.
***
My book recommendation for this week is The 48 Laws of Power.
Sike, hahaha, I'm just playin' lol
I haven't finished a book in a little while but I am reading Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami right now and it's so good. All his writing is so good. It's amazing how he has created a sort of template for his stories that just works every single time. I'm more so studying his writing than just reading it, because it's one thing to imagine and extract brilliant stories, but it's another to make the story easy to read, while simultaneously implementing depth in it that you go back and read a page over again, not because you need to, but because you want to. Truly genius, unmatched, he's the goat.
***
I went to my favorite curator's gallery for the first time this week in Los Angeles as they just opened a new location.
(Bill Powers, Half Gallery)
It was a bit bizarre meeting him for the first time, especially since I only ever interacted with him on the internet, never been to his main gallery in New York, and have been following him since I was in high school. So I may have been a bit fanboy-ish when I met him, but aside from that, it was fantastic. Daniel Heidkamp and Hiejin Yoo were the artists, both painters, and they are just built differently. They're so talented. The gallery also had work by one of my favorite artists and writers, Rene Ricard, whose work I have been dying to see for a while now, and finally got too, Alhamdulillah. Big blessed. It was so worth it.
Here are some pics from the gallery:
Daniel Heidkamp
Hiejin Yoo
Rene Ricard
(middle piece & green book)
Before you go, I want to extend a thank you to everyone who is here reading this. I just reached over 100 subscribers, which is a bit overwhelming to think there are over 100 of you receiving and hopefully reading and enjoying these. It means a lot, truly. I do want to mention that, I am currently using my normal email to send these out as I much prefer this format over standard newsletter platforms. This just feels much more personal and less commercial or market-y. But chances are I will be moving over to one when I find one I like, mainly to give you all the opportunity to hit the unsubscribe button if it ever comes to that, although I hope it does not. I appreciate every single one of you and hope you are doing amazing.
That's all from me for this one ya'll. Thanks for reading. And as usual, please feel free to reply to these emails if you feel inclined to. I'll be here.
B <3