Letter #21

I will no longer care about what you think of me. Good or bad, I'm in no need of any of it.

I've been insecure as hell for a long time and I tone myself down so nobody expects too much of me. I will therefore strive for the direct opposite of what my lack of confidence supplies. If I've been able to be this great while functioning at less than half capacity imagine how much greater I can be when I fully emerge as myself.

I'm not doing anything I don't want to do for anybody anymore. Unless you're my family or I love you enough, I'll tell you to kick rocks, simply. 

I'm going to love freely, intelligently, and dangerously, as it would be unintelligent not to. No longer settling for less. I deserve so much better. Consider yourself lucky, not even lucky, BLESSED, to be provided with my love. It's the purest you'll find anywhere. I'm too forgiving, too thoughtful, too giving, too just, and too real, and only because I've chosen the wrong people to give my attention to too many times. I blame myself only, will trust my intuition always and only provide myself with the best possible love.

I'm no longer critiquing my friends or family, or anyone I am intimidated by. I am no better than anyone. I am no better than who I thought myself to be for a long time. I am weak, contradictory, fake-vulnerable, toxic, and all types of things bad, so who am I to question anyone's shortcomings? I am often intimidated -- greatly intimidated, and try to use my smarts and small accolades and experiences to make myself feel better. How unhealthy it has been... I can't believe it really. I've been comparing myself to people for so long, and hadn't realized how nasty of a disease it truly is. I didn't even know I was struck by it. From here on, I will only ever compliment, and only ever mean it. If I ever disrespected you with my words, critiqued you or harmed you emotionally in any way, or had been flat out mean or insensitive to you at any point, I only ask that you forgive me, though I don't expect it from you. I will fix this, though. Never again.

If you disrespect me and are deserving of it, you're getting smacked or you're getting jumped. (And trust me, I'm not out of pocket for saying this). The other option is that I'll inform everyone I/you/we know how untrustworthy and false of an individual you are and you're going to feel it. Disrespectfully.

That being said, softness and forgiveness is always ideal. Communication is the default. Misunderstandings are more often than not a mutual lack of clarity in both parties. Everyone deserves a second chance -- you'd be surprised how many people manipulate that second chance though...

I'm smart as fu*k. I see things other people cannot see. I have foresight that almost never lets me down and a trust in God that only ever shines in the outcomes of my actions. Just like I am a critic, I also give fantastic advice. My ideas are extremely valuable. I should be getting paid for sharing my thoughts, hold that thought, I have been, multiple times, now that I think about it. Good money. I'm blessed with a lot of talents, knowledge, and abilities. I was cursed with arrogance before and vowed never to fall into it again. So I attribute it all to Allah, every blessing, every trait I am proud of, everything I have been bestowed. And with that, I say F the world and anyone against me. All I need is God. Alhamdulillah.

I want fame, I want money, I am hungry for the pleasures of this life. And therefore renounce my hunger for it. I don't want that hunger. I don't want to chase it. I know if I chase it it'll only run away from me, but it's always so enticing. I convince myself I don't want it but only lie to myself. I am more hungry than ever. All I can do is pray these desires leave me, and that Allah has mercy on me. Because Shaytaan is the best trickster, and has gotten me good over and over and over again. I can only control myself and pray for the best. 

I am not letting my traumas justify my actions anymore. What happened to me in the past is only a learning experience, not a mold for every experience that resembles those few bad ones. I'm opening my trust back up to the world, and accepting the fact that shit tends to go bad often. But I would rather it go bad than not experience life at all. Just because one person did this to me doesn't mean it will happen with another person. Everyone enters our lives with different backgrounds, ideas, beliefs, and personal traumas that inform their actions and how they treat you. So disregarding their individuality is not only restricting the possible good they can bring into your life, but also discounting their unique identity. Every day I'm a brand new person. Smarter, and understanding of risk. As Nassim Taleb says, "You can be risk loving and yet completely averse to ruin". That's how I prefer to live my life. 

I don't care who is here anymore. If I never met you it makes no difference, because the majority of the people I think I know, I really don't. There are so many layers within our person that when stripped down, we would never recognize, and when we strip that down, we find this. I'm sure every single one of you will probably resonate with what I am saying here, and you don't have to say a thing. You don't have to reply, you don't have to tell me you love (or hate) my letter, you don't have to tell me how much this resonates, because I know it does. These aren't ideas that belong solely to me, but ideas that every single one of us, eventually, in hopes will come to realize on our own -- I just happen to be there right now. 

I am going to write about what I want. I know what I shouldn't share and therefore do not share those things. Everything I say here is because I want to say it aloud. I'm a writer, so I'm going to write. I'm also an artist. A damn good artist who needs to just shut the fu*k up and tend to his craft. I need to be great for myself. I know the standards I hold, and they are high as hell, so if not for anyone else, then for myself, I will do it. Insha'Allah. With God's help only. Only ever God's help. I don't need any of you. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate every single one of you. And I don't think I need to elaborate for you to understand what I mean by that. The Prophet of Allah (Peace be upon him) said, "He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah." And it is for people like you all who I reserve and dispense my love for. All the anger, rage, discontentment, insecurity, hatred, self-deprecation, and fear I have built up within, I am redirecting from myself and pinpointing at those deserving of it -- the haters, the oppressors, the wrongdoers, the hypocrites, the despicable human beings who walk this Earth. Everyone is getting their rights. Starting with myself. 

I can't promise you more letters anytime soon, or projects, or podcasts, or whatever else I feel like people expect of me. I need to make promises to myself only, for only then can I create with intention and true benefit. Otherwise, I am just pushing out content that dissipates and loses value, maybe not to others, but to me. And I don't want that anymore. 

While I attempt to establish a new code for myself and my life. All I can promise you, is change. Lots of it. So please, expect it and embrace it, not just from me, but from yourself as well. 

With even more love than before,

B <3